if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
