You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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