If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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