Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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