all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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