Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
