You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
