i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
