doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
