You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Help. Why am I so naked?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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