He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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