If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
