Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
