Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize