just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
