Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize