i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
