I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
