i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
