oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
