in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
