she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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