Do you still have your period?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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