how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
