Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
