She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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