Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize