Umm I'm too high to move.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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