I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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