tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
