That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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