I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
