Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
