I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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