I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
