i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
