i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
