I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
please don't ironically join a cult
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