my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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