I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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