My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
