i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
