my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
