I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
