I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
