sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
