some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Please don't give away my fajitas
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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