i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
