I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
