I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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