There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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