Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
