There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
she told me i tasted like america
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
