I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
