Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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