I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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