If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
