sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
