two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
