If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
