woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
