So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize