He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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