dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
