I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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